So there I am buying a creme puff. I pick up my kids from daycare. And can't stop imagining how amazing that creme puffs gonna be. I'M NOT SHARING! So, I situate my kids. I ask if any one wants to play. I ask if any one wants help with their homework. An what do you know? No one wants or needs me. Perfect opportunity to hide and eat. I go to my room, creme puff in my purse, lock the door, go into the bathroom in my bedroom, lock that door, and open up the box. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, that first bite is heaven! Then all of a sudden, I hear the door knock, screams, cries, yelling. ALL OF A SUDDEN.......I exist again, and I'm wanted. Then......"mom, what are you eating?" Are you serious? Do kids come with radar ears and super noses that smell everything? My moment is not a moment anymore. Next night, Same routine. This time I force myself on the kids. THEY lock me outta their rooms! HA!!! I WIN. I take the moment to take a bath............Again all of a sudden I see little hands under the door, a note slips under..."what are you doing in there?" REALLY?? Moment.....lost. I come out and get ready to read a story or make a snack. NOPE.......they lock me out of their rooms.....AGAIN. It seems they love me to be not relaxing. When I cook, clean, make dinner, shampoo carpets or do homework everyone is cool and lets me do my work. But when i start to relax? EVERYONE needs me.
I love beautiful things. Pretty girlie dresses, pretty heels, jewelry(Betsy Johnson's my fave), perfume and makeup. I hate my face, I hate my hair, I hate my hands, and feet. So, I don't buy those things anymore. I got dressed up to go out, I felt pretty, and was feeling good about myself. My son says "your fat mommy". I know he didn't mean to hurt me hes still very small. Innocent. But, children speak the truth. I feel ugly, and fat. Again. I love those romantic movies.....the man cant wait to get home. He thinks about his lady all day long, he sends her flowers, he calls from the office to say I love you. He never calls his lady dude, and when they make love he doesn't get all tired, or makes the lady feel...........stupid. He is spontaneous, she still is always happy and funny. I'm always angry, and cant find where my happiness went. I look at all the people I know who are married or who are getting married. I get depressed. I've been real good about saying I love being single, I don't want to be married, I don't have the money........yada yada yada. I'm also a very good liar. I'm also good at making excuses.
Only ladies who are not obnoxious, loud, who burp and fart are the ladies who get married. So many nights I say I'm going out........it's sad. I even make up parties, dinners, get togethers, what not and go out alone to dinner or a movie by myself. I do this because my boyfriend loves the quietness that's in the home when I'm gone. It makes me happy that hes happy.
............and I end up in that same bathroom crying, alone without a creme puff, without a bath, and this time no one is at the door. No one needs me. Funny, I miss those little fingers under the door, and the little notes.
Don't stop belivein'......hold on to the feelin...........
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