Damn you're good! Everything about you except

Have you ever fell crazy almost mad in love with someone then....bam! Shit breath, stinky ass, skunky penis, or fishy vag? Yea! Deal breaker. You even go back for seconds to make sure it wasn't an off day...and it wasn't. It smells even worse now that they think they've got you. RUN...RUN...BEFORE YOU SMELL OF SHIT,STINKY,SKUNKY,FISH! Seriously? If you stay you're down right desperate, have no sense of smell. Or you just smell too. And..if you know someone super hot who smells somewhere. Please tell them. Or...um send them this link.

Parody of "Breathe" by Faith Hill (Holly Lamar/Stephanie Bentley)

New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris "P. Cream" Clark/Jeff Carter

SSSHHH

I can smell the onions floating in the air

Must be something that you ate

I can't imagine how your mouth must taste

Forgive me if I turn away

The slightest whiff just brings me to my knees

Almost pass out in your arms

I need a gas mask every time that you come near

And the halitosis starts

I can smell your breath

It's choking me to death

The only who doesn't know is you

Here's some gum to chew

Er...Baby there's no way you're kissing me

What you have for lunch?

Don't you ever brush?

Maybe a Binaca Blast or two is what I'd suggest

I can smell your breath

BAD BREATH!!!!!

It's tough to be there when you're waking up

And that green cloud fills up the room

It's worser than it's ever been before

And I know and you know

And everybody in a three mile radius knows

You should a dentist soon

Cause I can smell your breath

It's gagging me to death

Something must have died inside of you

What you ought to do 

Is chase a Cert or two 

With Listerine

Even when you're gone

The odor lingers on

I'm buying you an Oral B and a jumbo tube of Crest

Cause I can smell your breath

Bad breath

Can't you smell the fog that's floating through the air

Must be something that you ate...

SSSHHHH

Beat The Pussy Up

Tell ya somethin' that ya might like to hear Got a sexy ass body and ya ass look soft Mind if I touch it to see if it's soft Nah, I'm just playin' let's just say I can And I'm known to be a real nasty man And they say a closed mouth don't get paid So I don't mind askin' fo' head Ya heard what I said we need to make our way to the bed You can start usin' ya head Ya like to fuck, have ya legs open all in the buck Do it up, slappin' ass, girl the sex get rough

WHOREGASM.....

I thaught I made that word up the other day. I guess I was wrong. The Urban Dictionary defines it as....

	whoregasm
	An orgasm had by a woman from a sexual act deemed as "dirty", taboo or promiscuous, such as sex in public, sex with multiple partners, anal sex, DP, sex with an inanimate object, bestiality, necrophilia, sex with a stranger, BDSM, or a sexual affair, etc. This act may or may not be accompanied by a sense of shame often contributing to its increase in pleasure. I define it as having such nasty sex...at the time you act like a complete whore and it makes you feel so damn good...you whoregasm. Then you're like...damn I was such a whore. I hate to admit it was the best sex I've ever had. The experience made me seriously week in the knees. I was like a new born colt. I lost my balance, I was shaky, cold, hot, sweaty, and on autopilot. I was salivating, numb and feeling  like a porn star! And I did some things that Wait ( The Whisper Song ) by the Ying Yang Twins was written about. Whoregasm whenever possible. At least once in your life. Because after that experience..it's back to reality. Being a mother, wife, daughter, ect.

Blah.....I hate you!

Your rich, you have a great job, a cute family, a good life, and you're an ASSHOLE or a BITCH to those beneath you. I'm a kick ass server with MAD SKILLS and I LOVED my job till you ruined it for me. You should count your blessings ASSHOLE! You don't owe everyone, money! You own a home, your kids are secure, you can give gifts, food,cars, and what not. I don't. DO NOT PUT ME DOWN IN FRONT OF OTHERS!! Where is my Turrets when I need it? Guess I am more educated than you. Money cannot buy kindness.

Turrets of the mind, mouth, and hands..Do you suffer from the same?

I look at certain people and wonder what they look like without clothes, iimagine what they look like when they have sex, and wonder if they have skid marks. I do it with friends I know and their parents....WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?? Even the gross ones! I laugh at my thoughts and sometimes get excited or grossed out. Then my mouth tells people what I'M THINKING! I have no say in it..my brain gives the order to my mouth. People seem to like it...and then I even get the 411 that they were thinking the same. Also filling in the blanks to songs....It just happens...Like DORA, DORA THE WHORA....Dora, Dora Dora she's a whora. Swipper no fucky! And forget about the back pack...you don't wanna know whats in that!! Also just keeping my hands to myself!! I'm like two all over again I'm not supposed to touch it I touch it. If I get annsey I have to touch or slap it!! Im not the only one right?? 

To the Welcome Mat...Here's to you..YOU JUST DO NOT GET IT!

Raw and indiscreet (does not mean I want to insult you, I think I might have Turret's so forgive me!) but I am genuine and say this with all good intentions. Lets say some one is a canary.. "If you love someone set them free. If they come back it was meant to be." So if the fucking bird comes back and hangs out, helps with the nest and chicks, prefers the nest and cage to freedom...KICK ASS!! It was meant to be! If the fucking bird comes over for the winter and sometimes in between, ruffles his feather tails, pecks at your bird feed, shits all over your nest and cage and then leaves...THAT MOTHER FUCKER DID NOT COME BACK! He is giving your feathers a BOOTY CALL..that's all! Fuck that canary..go for the cock!

Tip rate? 20% or more for good service!

ALL SERVICE INDUSTRIES!!!!

Just NASTY!

·         The lady who rubs off the plaque on her teeth on the cloth napkin you eventually will have to pick up.

·         The guy who bites his fingernails (and somehow his toe nails) and leaves them behind.

·         The lady that hacks up a loogey, spits it in the same cloth napkin that eventually I have to pick up.

·         The kid eating off the floor under the booth (before he got there a couple of city workers sat there…they had shit on their shoes). You try to explain it to the mother she’s having a “mommies day out”, (and wine) she's having way to good of a time to listen and says “he’s happy like that”.

·         The lady who puts sour cream in her coffee.

·         The guys who pours a cup of ranch and a cup of balsamic on his salad.

·         The lady who eats a whole purple onion (sliced) on her burger.

·         The couple that is practically having sex at the table.

·         The pimple popper. It’s even grosser when someone else is doing the popping. (this guy usually is proud of the fruits of their labor and shows it off)

Are you the customer I'm...

BITCHING about?

I know the owner

·         News Flash! Me too!! I’ve worked for the guy for years. What do you want a party? This “Connected customer” throws the owners name over and over again throughout the visit. FYI the owner 90% of the time doesn’t have the slightest idea who you are, much less your name! He just acts like he does to be polite…DOUCHE! (He usually asks if I caught your name...for next time)

Free for me

·         The everything is good until only the garnish is left idiot. This classy act loves everything until the bill gets there. All of a sudden he needs to speak to a manager or the owner because the food was horrible, and needless to say the service sucked! They demand a comp (free of paying for something) a discount, a free desert, or a gift card.

They love me...I’m gonna score!

·         Oh how many times have I counted my chickens before they were hatched? The “you are amazing, what’s your name so we can ask for you next time people." These people gush about the service the food and then BAM! They leave you a 10% tip or worse coins and a “Jesus is coming” pamphlet. Thanks ass!Now I’m depressed about not paying my rent and that the world is ending.

Habla Espanol?

·         Si,  but not for you cabron! Living in a border town most people here speak Spanish. I myself am ok but I’m not fluent. I hate and resent that people EXPECT you to speak Spanish and are offended that you don’t speak it well. I always get the snotty Juarez Housewives of Chihuahua who are speaking English to each other until I walk up to the table. Then all of a sudden the bitches forget they speak English. RUDE! There are customers who really do not speak English and try hard to; I respect that, a lot.

Can I say hello first?

·         Nothing says DICK, ASSHOLE, or BITCH like interrupting me 2 seconds of approaching to welcome you. Hello may I……..and you interrupt…”Ice tea”. “Nice to meet you Ice tea,  please don’t forget to tip more than 10%.”