Turrets of the mind, mouth, and hands..Do you suffer from the same?

I look at certain people and wonder what they look like without clothes, iimagine what they look like when they have sex, and wonder if they have skid marks. I do it with friends I know and their parents....WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?? Even the gross ones! I laugh at my thoughts and sometimes get excited or grossed out. Then my mouth tells people what I'M THINKING! I have no say in it..my brain gives the order to my mouth. People seem to like it...and then I even get the 411 that they were thinking the same. Also filling in the blanks to songs....It just happens...Like DORA, DORA THE WHORA....Dora, Dora Dora she's a whora. Swipper no fucky! And forget about the back pack...you don't wanna know whats in that!! Also just keeping my hands to myself!! I'm like two all over again I'm not supposed to touch it I touch it. If I get annsey I have to touch or slap it!! Im not the only one right?? 

To the Welcome Mat...Here's to you..YOU JUST DO NOT GET IT!

Raw and indiscreet (does not mean I want to insult you, I think I might have Turret's so forgive me!) but I am genuine and say this with all good intentions. Lets say some one is a canary.. "If you love someone set them free. If they come back it was meant to be." So if the fucking bird comes back and hangs out, helps with the nest and chicks, prefers the nest and cage to freedom...KICK ASS!! It was meant to be! If the fucking bird comes over for the winter and sometimes in between, ruffles his feather tails, pecks at your bird feed, shits all over your nest and cage and then leaves...THAT MOTHER FUCKER DID NOT COME BACK! He is giving your feathers a BOOTY CALL..that's all! Fuck that canary..go for the cock!

Tip rate? 20% or more for good service!

ALL SERVICE INDUSTRIES!!!!

Just NASTY!

·         The lady who rubs off the plaque on her teeth on the cloth napkin you eventually will have to pick up.

·         The guy who bites his fingernails (and somehow his toe nails) and leaves them behind.

·         The lady that hacks up a loogey, spits it in the same cloth napkin that eventually I have to pick up.

·         The kid eating off the floor under the booth (before he got there a couple of city workers sat there…they had shit on their shoes). You try to explain it to the mother she’s having a “mommies day out”, (and wine) she's having way to good of a time to listen and says “he’s happy like that”.

·         The lady who puts sour cream in her coffee.

·         The guys who pours a cup of ranch and a cup of balsamic on his salad.

·         The lady who eats a whole purple onion (sliced) on her burger.

·         The couple that is practically having sex at the table.

·         The pimple popper. It’s even grosser when someone else is doing the popping. (this guy usually is proud of the fruits of their labor and shows it off)

Are you the customer I'm...

BITCHING about?

I know the owner

·         News Flash! Me too!! I’ve worked for the guy for years. What do you want a party? This “Connected customer” throws the owners name over and over again throughout the visit. FYI the owner 90% of the time doesn’t have the slightest idea who you are, much less your name! He just acts like he does to be polite…DOUCHE! (He usually asks if I caught your name...for next time)

Free for me

·         The everything is good until only the garnish is left idiot. This classy act loves everything until the bill gets there. All of a sudden he needs to speak to a manager or the owner because the food was horrible, and needless to say the service sucked! They demand a comp (free of paying for something) a discount, a free desert, or a gift card.

They love me...I’m gonna score!

·         Oh how many times have I counted my chickens before they were hatched? The “you are amazing, what’s your name so we can ask for you next time people." These people gush about the service the food and then BAM! They leave you a 10% tip or worse coins and a “Jesus is coming” pamphlet. Thanks ass!Now I’m depressed about not paying my rent and that the world is ending.

Habla Espanol?

·         Si,  but not for you cabron! Living in a border town most people here speak Spanish. I myself am ok but I’m not fluent. I hate and resent that people EXPECT you to speak Spanish and are offended that you don’t speak it well. I always get the snotty Juarez Housewives of Chihuahua who are speaking English to each other until I walk up to the table. Then all of a sudden the bitches forget they speak English. RUDE! There are customers who really do not speak English and try hard to; I respect that, a lot.

Can I say hello first?

·         Nothing says DICK, ASSHOLE, or BITCH like interrupting me 2 seconds of approaching to welcome you. Hello may I……..and you interrupt…”Ice tea”. “Nice to meet you Ice tea,  please don’t forget to tip more than 10%.”

I've been lazy...I wanna put my foot in mouth about customers

seriously...I use to love em. Now I'm like wanting to be a server at DICKS so I can tell em (90%) to FUCK off! Here are some of my personal journal entries on "Types of Customers"......

Family Circle

·         The “High-Tech” family. This is the most pathetic family by far! Moms on her Blackberry, Dads on his android, the teenagers are playing with their I-Pods or I-Pads, and the baby is watching a movie on a Portable DVD player, phone or I-Pad. Not one word is spoken at this table. Except for when I take their order. And the kids already has sent a text to mom about what they want !

·         “Elsie” is that lady who pulls out her boob and breast feeds without covering herself. Everyone walks by that table over and over again to take a look-see! I feel so weird, I can’t stop staring. I feel like a moth drawn to the light.

·         The “changing table” lady and I don’t mean in the restroom. This nasty Byatch changes her kids’ poopy diaper at the table or booth she’s eating at. Then this nasty Byatch leaves it behind. Did I mention the fucker is 5?

·         The “Artistic” kid. This little shit pours sugar on the table and plays and draws with it like sand. When you try to pick it up its parents get offended and say “No, let him he’s playing”

·         The dad that never orders anything. He eats everyone’s leftovers instead

·         The family that leaves more food on the floor than they did on their plates. Its funny these people think that by smearing it into the carpet no one will notice that it was there. FYI it only makes it worse pig! (Do these people make a mess at home too?)  (oh yea your kid does count as a person so I CAN ADD GRATUITY!)

·         Awe the “Brady Bunch”. This big family lets their kids run around the restaurant, play under the tables, jump off the chairs, yell, cry, fight, fart and burp and are clueless that the entire restaurant is moving away from them. When you ask them to restrain their “little angels” they are offended! “They’re just babies!”(I never heard a baby say "fuck off!"...NICE!)

·         The “put you on the spot people”. These A-holes are fighting over the check and want you to take a side. Then start fighting with you. WTF? (the one who acts upset is the cheap-ass!) Wants to act like HOW DARE YOU! (secretly sayin "hell yeah...free meal! Glad I ordered a to go meal and dessert!")